


Life After

by sapphicfromnextdoor



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Bly Manor, F/F, damie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:48:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28311141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicfromnextdoor/pseuds/sapphicfromnextdoor
Summary: Life after Bly Manor and Dani's death. Jamie finds comfort in people she never knew she would.i suck summaries sorry lolFor the purposes of this story, Jamie and Dani live in an apartment above the flower shop.
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas sad gays hope you enjoy :)

The bell over the flower shop entrance rang as an older woman walked in. She put a folded paper in her purse as the door shut behind her. Jamie put aside the arrangement she was working on and greeted the woman.

“What can I do for you today?”

The woman put the folded paper in her purse before nervously speaking. “Hi, I was hoping you can help me find something- well someone. I heard she might work here.”

“Who would that be?” Jamie folded her arms knowing she worked alone.

“Danielle. Clayton-, Danielle Clayton.” Jamie froze but didn’t show any emotion. “I heard she was working at a flower shop in Vermont-”

“She hasn’t worked here for some time.” Jamie turned her back to the woman and went back to the arrangement she was working on. 

“Oh good so you do know her! Do you think you could get me in touch with her?”

“What do you want with her?”

“I'm Danielle’s mom.” “We’ve been estranged for a while and the past few years I've been trying to track her down and trying to get back in touch. I heard through the grapevine that she was working in a flower shop here in Vermont so I’ve been going around to all of them.” 

“Oh, Dani’s mum. I’m Jamie.” She offered out her hand.

“I’m Karen.”

They stood in silence while trying to figure out what the other was thinking. Jamie didn’t know much about Karen. Dani never really talked about her mom, or her life before Bly aside from Eddie when his ghost was an issue. But that was how they coped by trying to leave everything in the past. 

“Um… I’m gonna lock up real quick. Why don’t you come up for some tea.” Jamie flipped the open sign to closed and locked the door. “C’mon poppet, we are going upstairs now.”

Behind the counter was a little boy playing with Lincoln logs, he got up and ran over to Jamie, when he noticed Karen he stopped in his tracks and smiled at her. Then he turned his attention back to Jamie. “Mummy, I hungry.” 

“Okay, I’ll make you something to eat when we get upstairs.” Jamie picked up the boy and led Karen to the stairs. 

“How old is he?”

“Love, hold are you?” Jamie opened the door in the back of the shop.

“I is-” he held up three fingers and counted. “One, two, three- three! I turn three little bit ago. I got cake and ice cream.” 

“Sounds like you had a nice birthday! Aren’t they precious at this age?”

“Yeah, sometimes I wish he could stay little forever so the depravity of the world could never get to him.” 

“That’s what all us moms wish. But it seems like you are doing a great job sweetie.” Karen looked at the ring on Jamie’s finger. “What does your husband do?” 

“Oh, I do not have a husband or any man.” She smiled to herself. 

“Oh sorry. I just saw-” Karen stopped talking before she said anything else wrong.  
At the top, Jamie set down the boy, unlocked the door, and headed straight to the kitchen. “Do you mind keeping your eye on him while I make him something real quick?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Karen looked around a bit while also keeping her eye on the boy. On the bookshelf, she noticed a picture of Danielle and Jamie together. It was a picture from when they first got the flower shop. Dani had her arms wrapped tight around Jamie. In another picture, Jamie was kissing Dani’s cheek.

“How do you know Danielle?”

Jamie came back with a small bowl of fruit for her son. She set it down on the coffee table and sat down on her knees next to him. She took a deep breath before answering Karen. “She is-” She never knew if she should use past or present tense when referring to her, “my wife.”

Karen looked at Jamie with a blank face for a moment before smiling. “So that makes this little pumpkin my grandbaby!” She bent down to the boy’s level and smiled. “When will your other mommy be home?” He looked at Jamie in confusion.

“Uh- Poppet, can you do mummy a favor?” He nodded with his mouth full. “Go eat that in your room so I can have grown-up talk. You can watch tv in my room tonight if you do.” Excited, he grabbed his bowl and ran out of the room. 

“He seems like a really good kid.”

“Look, um, I don’t know how to tell you this so I’m just going to say it. Dani died.”

“What?” Karen asked, taking a seat on the couch.

“Dani- or as you call her Danielle, died. About three years ago. I’m sorry you are just now finding out.”

“How? W-what happened?”

“She was ill. For a long time, and eventually, it just took over her.” 

“Three years ago?”

“Yeah.”

“If I would have started looking for her sooner-”

“No, no. This isn’t on you at all. Please don’t think it’s your fault.”

“I- there are so many questions. I don’t even- I thought at the end of all this searching I would finally be with my baby again.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to answer your questions, but- I don’t talk about her much, I know I should but I don’t. I don’t talk about when my son was born either. It hurts too much. If I let myself think about her or everything that happened I go down this huge spiral and I can’t do that because my son needs me to be here.”

“I understand. When Danielle’s father died I was a mess. So I get it. How are you holding up sweetie? I know people think three years is a long time and they think you should be over it by now but time doesn’t take away how much you love someone or how much you miss them.”

Silent tears rolled down Jamie’s face. No one has ever understood that before. Owen tried but he never got to fully love Hannah and build together so he didn’t get it all the way. “I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think about her. With that little goof and the shop, it’s a lot of work on my own so it does the trick.” 

“That’s good. But if you need a break I already planned to stay for two more days. I can watch the kid for you.” Karen paused. “Besides poppet, love, and goof, what is his name?”

Jamie chuckled as she wiped her face. “Daniel, Daniel Clay Taylor. Since Dani couldn’t be in his life I wanted to make sure a part of her would always be with him.”

“So, Danielle never got to be in his life?” Jamie shook her head as tears started again. “How did she-? Did something go wrong during childbirth?”

“Uh, It’s complicated, and I’m sorry I would rather not get into it right now. Fuck. That sounds harsh I don’t mean to be. It is a long story with a lot of heartache that I just can’t let myself dive into. Maybe as more time goes by I’ll be ready to talk about it. I know eventually I’ll have to explain everything to Danny and about where his name comes from.”

“It’s a lovely name.”

“Yeah, but sometimes it only makes things harder. That’s why I mostly call him nicknames. Hell, the kid probably thinks his name is Poppet.”

Karen laughed wondering if Daniel in fact thought his name was poppet. Jamie faked a smile thinking about how she used to call Dani Poppins. All she wanted in life was to have her Poppins and poppet together and live a happy normal life, but that was impossible. Something she would never get to experience. 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry.” Everything got too much for Jamie and she needed space. Normally she did a good job of keeping these emotions at bay but this whole surprise had thrown her off. 

Jamie locked herself in the bathroom and covered her face with a washcloth in an attempt to muffle her crying. She sat on the floor with her back against the tub as all her repressed feelings came out. All the memories she tried so hard to block out began to run through her head.

~~

Dani and Jamie laid in bed, tangled in each other. Dani smiled to herself as she watched Jamie read. She thought about how lucky she was to be there in that moment with the woman that she loved, living a life that she loved. There was only one thing that could make her life better than it was already. Jamie could feel Dani smiling against her shoulder but chose to keep focused on her book. Dani started to play with Jamie’s hair, twirling it playfully with her two fingers. Jamie could tell she was trying to get her attention, but she didn’t bite. In a desperate attempt to get her lover’s attention, Dani kissed Jamie’s neck and just below her ear. Jamie held in her smile and turned the page. 

“Oh, c’mon. I know you are just ignoring me now.” 

Jamie set down her book and turned her attention to Dani. “And what if I am?” She looked at Dani teasingly expecting some sort of a giggle or for her to take offense. 

“I am so lucky.”

“What?”

“To have you- I am so lucky that I get to spend my life with you. I don’t know where or what I would be doing if I hadn’t met you. I never pictured this near-perfect life for myself and you helped me build this. I am so so lucky and grateful that you are here with me.”

“Nearly perfect ey?” 

“Nearly perfect is good.”

“Well, what would make it-” Jamie cleared her throat and tried her best Flora impression “perfectly splendid?” 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah what? Love, you aren’t making much sense today. You got to say the whole thing. As much as I like to pretend I can read your amazing mind, I can’t”

“Perfectly splendid, you were supposed to be Flora right then right?” Jamie nodded. “That’s what would make our lives- at least in my perspective. Well, I think I already know what you are going to say because we talked about it a long time ago- it’s just things have changed and we-”

“Just spit it out!”

“What if we had kids or just a kid?” Dani watched for Jamie’s reaction. “Oh, and I mean kids like babies- human babies, not the goats.” 

Jamie sat up not all that surprised by Dani’s request. She was good with kids, she loved kids. Whenever one came into the shop Dani’s eyes would light up and she would play with them while Jamie helped their parents. 

“Poppins, I don’t know. We talked about kids before. I never saw myself being a mum and you-” Jamie took a second to think so she wouldn’t word it wrong. “We always talk about one day at a time- Children are very in the future.”

Danie sat up and faced Jamie.

“I know, but how I feel changed! I used to be scared of thinking about anything further than tomorrow but I'm not scared anymore. I want to think about a future, you have shown me that is something I can look forward to. Ten years ago I never would have been ready to get an apartment and open a business with you and really set roots somewhere but here we are. I want to think about our future. I want to think about us getting old together and sitting by a fireplace watching our grandchildren open presents on Christmas. I want that.”

“I am so happy that you are looking forward to everything but I still have my worries. I know we try to stay hopeful that everything will keep going well- But I see how much everything still affects you. I know normally I am the one telling you to look on the upside and to think about the future we could have but-” Jamie took another breath. “I don’t want to be the one to crush your dreams but I am thinking about the future too. What if when our kid is eight or nine and then all then the lady in the lake chooses to come forward because hey, she likes children right? What if she hurts our kid?“

“Who’s to say she would even come up at all?”

“Dani just last week you broke a plate because you saw her in the sink water.”

“I wouldn’t let her hurt you or our kids and you know that. You know I would stop it if things were going too far.”

“What if I end up losing you before our child finishes school? I hate thinking like that Dani, I really do but that is what comes to my mind when you bring up kids. I’m sorry love, I don’t want to end up a single mum when children weren’t even something I ever planned on.”

“You don’t have to be a single mom Jamie! I would be here. I didn’t know the only future you see is one without me.” Dani threw the covers off of her and walked out of the room.

“Dani! I didn’t-”

Jamie gave it a few minutes before she got up to follow Dani. She thought they could both use a few minutes alone. When she got up she saw Dani in the kitchen standing over a kettle. 

“Do you want me to take that over? Probably best for the both of us.” Jamie tried to joke.

Dani shrugged but took a step back letting Jamie take over. She leaned back on the counter while Jamie stood over the stovetop. 

“Dani, I’m sorry. You’re right, I am always telling you to think about how good our future could be when you get down on never being able to leave the past behind. I know I am only thinking about worst-case scenarios but you are only thinking about the best. Say we meet in the middle and talk out what our future could look like, not just perfect and not just dreadful. A realistic possibility of what our family could look like. Then I might be ready to.”

“I don’t want to push you into something you never even planned on.” 

“Your right. That wasn’t the best choice of words, but there is a lot in my life that I never planned that I still did. Some of it wasn’t that great but a lot of it has turned out even better than I could have imagined. You know that before we met I was perfectly fine being alone living my boring little life in a quiet town. I never thought I would have an amazing woman to share my life with, move to America, start our own business, or have such an amazing time doing all of it. So yeah I never planned to have kids it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t consider it.”

“I am just thinking of the best picture book version of our lives. I never had that, I just- I wanted to dream about everything being one hundred percent perfect because I am tired of always thinking about the bad stuff. You know there is bad in everything if you look hard enough. Especially in stuff surrounding me. If I let myself think about all the terrible things that could come up in our future I wouldn’t be able to stop because Jamie, there are so many things that it’s scary. If I pay attention to all the bad and ugly I wouldn’t be able to go with any hope.” 

Jamie pulled Dani into a tight embrace and whispered in her ear to calm her down. “Shh, I’m sorry. Don’t stop looking forward because of me. Please keep looking for the good in everyone and everything because you do see the good in things other people wouldn’t. Please please don’t ever change that, especially because of some stupid shit I said.” 

The teapot squealed making Jamie break the hug. She poured herself and Dani each a cup of tea and sat down at the table. 

“Okay, realistically, what would us having a child look like?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like what would our average day look like… after the baby is born?”

Dani smiled as she took her cup off the counter and sat down across from Jamie. She gazed into Jamie’s eyes trying to imagine how their lives could be. 

“I would probably get up first when I hear the baby crying and get them ready for the day while you do your own morning thing. I would feed them while you make the tea because I still suck at it. After you are ready you would take over the baby and let me get dressed and stuff. Then after breakfast, we would all go down to the shop. You would take care of the plants while I handle the register and the books with the baby behind the counter with me. When lunchtime came I would leave the baby with you while I made us food upstairs. Even though they wouldn’t understand, you would be teaching the baby about whatever plant you are working on with them in the sling. I would come down with food and see you got dirt all over the kid’s head and probably overreact while you tell me a little dirt never hurt anyone.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Yeah?”

“What about when the kid is older?” 

“I don’t know, what do you think it would look like?”

Jamie set her cup of tea down on the table and leaned in. 

“I would teach that kid everything there is to know about taking care of plants and living things in general. They would be a plant genius before they started school and we would probably have a few pets by then. I’m thinking some sort of reptile and maybe a dog or cat. If they had any issues I would teach them to work it out with gardening and show them that everything has a purpose and the effect a small thing can have on a much bigger picture.” 

“That sounds really nice.”

“Okay,” Jamie said with a blank face.

“Okay?” 

“Let’s have a kid.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. As long as you have it, I don’t think I could handle carrying the thing around for nine months.” 

“Well, I’d love to do it.” Dani moved around to the other side of the table and sat down on Jamie’s lap and wrapped her arms around her. “We really going to do this?”

“If you are up for it.”

“I am.”

~~

Karen sat on the floor worried she had said something to upset Jamie. She could hear crying from another room. Daniel came out of his room wondering what was going on.

“Where is mummy?”

“Um, she’s not feeling well.”

“Mummy sick?”

“Kind of. Did you finish your snack?”

“Yes!” He ran off to his room and returned with the empty bowl. “I eat it all!”

“What! You ate all of it?” He nodded his head yes in excitement. “That’s a good boy!” Karen looked around for something to do with Daniel while Jamie was dealing with herself. “What is your favorite toy?”

“Here here!” Daniel said as he ran off. 

Karen assumed that meant to follow him, so she did. In his room, she saw it was pretty organized and clean for a child’s room, especially a boy’s room. Against one wall was a small bed that was only a few inches from the ground. Along another wall was a toy kitchen with everything put away. 

In the corner of the room was a cube storage shelf with square baskets in each cubby. Daniel pulled out one of the baskets and moved it to the center of the room. It was full of plastic foods and a few plastic plates and utensils. 

“Here.” Daniel gave Karen a plate. “I cook you food.” He put a few of the plastic foods in his shirt and carried them to the little kitchen. Karen tried to follow him but he said, “only cookers here.” and Karen went back to the middle of the room.

After a few minutes of tinkering in the play set Daniel came back to Karen with ‘cooked’ food. She was pretending to enjoy the food when Jamie stepped into the doorway with her arms crossed. 

“I see he got you playing his favorite game.”

“Yeah, he said cooking was his favorite.”

“One of my good friends is a chef and he thought this would be fun for him. Some people think these toys are just for girls but eating is a human behavior. Fuck gender roles.”

“Hey maybe he will be a chef when he is older too. I hope you don’t mind that I stayed. I wanted to make sure you were both alright before I left.”

“We’re good.” Jamie saw disappointment in Karen’s face. “I mean- I’m okay now. Thank you for watching Danny while I dealt- with that.”

Karen stood up and pulled Jamie into a tight hug. “You’re doing amazing. And thank you for inviting me into your beautiful home and being honest with me. You could have sent me on my way and I would still be looking. Oh- and like I said I will be here for a couple more days so if you need anything, even the smallest thing, just call.” She handed Jamie a paper with her cell number.

“Thank you.” 

After Karen left Jamie let Danny play a bit more while she made dinner. Thanks to Owen her cooking skills weren’t too bad and her food was actually edible. Once Danny was done with his shepherd's pie Jamie put him down for the night.

As she washed the dishes she checked the reflection for any sign of Dani. Nothing. Jamie knew the chances of ever seeing Dani were close to nothing but she still had to look just in case one day her love was there. Sometimes Jamie would have dreams about seeing Dani again, that she was able to meet their son. Most of the time it would only be for a short amount of time but still, she got to see them together. That was all that mattered. 

Jamie had all sorts of dreams about Dani, almost all of them were more like memories though. Sometimes it was their first kiss, or when Jamie showed Dani her secret area on the grounds of Bly where she grew the moon flowers. Sometimes Jamie forgot it had been over three years since she lost Dani since she saw her everynight in her sleep. 

As Jamie got ready for bed she drew a bath that she had no intention of getting in and filled the sink with water. She grabbed one of Dani’s old shirts out of the chest of drawers, and before going to sleep she took one last look in all the reflections around the flat. 

When she got back around to the bathtub she sat down on her knees and talked as if Dani was in the water. 

“Hey Poppins, I know it’s been a while since I’ve talked to you, but I had the craziest day. Your mum showed up at the shop looking for you. So that was interesting, at first I thought about acting like I didn’t know you- I know you that isn’t what you would have wanted so I told her the truth, well not the whole truth obviously but- yeah. Fuck I miss you. I really really miss you. Everyone always says with time I’ll get over you or move on or that it will hurt less but I really don’t see that happening. Your mom understood that, she’s not that bad you know. You never talked about her so I didn’t know what to expect when she showed up saying she was looking for her daughter. She was great with Danny too. He is getting so big now. Since the last time I talked to you he has started to talk a lot, and his favorite playtime is cooking. He is amazing, and he is smart just like you. All he wants to do is learn. I was never really book smart so I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help once he gets to school but I’ll try my best. I wish you could be here teaching him. Or just be with me.” A few tears dripped into the water. “I love you.” 

Jamie sat in front of the bath for a few minutes before getting up and going to bed. As she shut her eyes she hoped she would have a good dream. Most of the time it was a good memory with Dani but every once in a while it felt like she was reliving a nightmare. 

~~

Dani waited anxiously waiting for Jamie to finish up in the shop. On the counter she had seven pregnancy tests sprawled out, all showing a positive. Since she had her hopes crushed after a fault positive before she wanted to make sure it wasn’t another fluke.

When Jamie came in she was confused why Dani was just standing by the kitchen smiling. “Hi love, what’s going on?” Dani shrugged with a huge smile plastered across her face. “I know you are up to something.” She took a few steps and looked around, not noticing the counter. “What did you cook? It smells great!”

“Who cares about the food?” Dain looked at the counter and Jamie followed her eyes.

“What is that? Are those?-” Dani nodded excitedly.

Jamie ran over to the counter to get a closer look. All seven tests were positive. “Your- Oh my god! We’re gonna be parents?” She pulled Dani into a tight hug and repeatedly kissed her head. “Holy shit you got a baby inside you!” 

“I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I would have given up after the second try if it weren’t for you.” 

Jamie let go of Dani and looked back at all the tests. “Did you really need to take seven to know?”

“I wanted to make sure! But we should go see the doctor tomorrow to really see if I am before we get too excited.”

“Oh, you are so cute when you get all perfectionist like.” Jamie smiled to herself a bit. “So does that mean I have to call you the mother of my child?” 

“We are both the mother of our child. Why can’t you just call me your wife?” She made two plates while Jamie fiddled with the tests.

“It has a different ring.”

“Yeah, that ring sounds like we are an old heterosexual divorced couple or something.” Dani served their dinner and sat down.

“Fine, wife still has a nice sound to it.” Jamie winked.

“I think it’s a girl.”

“Don’t they all start out as girls?”

“I mean- I think it’s gonna be a girl, when she comes out. I just have a feeling.”

“Okay we can buy some pink frilly dresses after we see the doctor tomorrow, but I have one condition.”

“What?”

“We buy some stuff with little trucks and dinosaurs and all the other boy things too. I don’t want to put gendered restrictions on our child. And if it’s a boy he can wear all of it too.” Dani smiled at Jamie. “What? Girls can like driving cars and boys can like cooking. Neither one of those activities are gendered in the real word, I don’t know why they are for children.”

“You are going to be such a good mom.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course! If I didn't think that both of us were going to be kick ass moms then I never would have brought it up.” Jamie started to tear up. “Babe, you’re gonna be a great mom. I know that no one is ever going to mess with our kid because you will make sure they get put in their place. And I know you are always gonna put our kid first and do anything to make sure they are happy and loved. Just like you do for me.”

“Damn straight. If anyone and I mean anyone, I don’t give a shit who they are or how old they are, messes with our kid I will fucking pummple them.”

“Jamie.”

“What? I am not gonna let some little twat get in the way of our kid living their best happy life. I was bullied fucking teribly throughout school I’m not letting our kid go throught that.”

“You are already so protective.”

“Maybe I have more motherly instincts than I thought. Hey, I’ll be like a mama bear! You know they are all protective of their babies, she will rip someone to shreds if they get near her young.”

“Okay that’s going a little far mama bear. You don’t need to fight anyone but I appreciate the enthusiasm.”

“So if I’m mama bear you can be her majesty because you are my queen.” Dani bit her lip and roller her eyes.

“Don’t you think that will be hard for a kid to say?” 

“I never said the kid was calling you that.” Jamie smirked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me a bit longer to post because the wifi went out for a few days. hope you enjoy :)

Jamie woke up in tears as she got reacclimated to reality. Sometimes having a really good dream only made her feel like shit in the morning. Remembering that Dani was gone and that she was raising their son all alone was enough to take her down mentally for a while.

As she went about her morning routine Jamie thought about the day before, Karen showing up and all. She didn’t know if she should let Karen hang around since she was only staying a few more days or to get over it and move on. Karen knows what she needs to know now. 

The paper on the bathroom counter called to Jamie as she waited for the tub and sink to drain. At the top of the small paper ‘KAREN CLAYTON’ was written in bold and just under it was an email address and an out of state phone number, below that was more pen scribblings of the hotel phone number that went straight to Karen’s room. Jamie debated whether or not she should call Karen and invite her over for dinner or just to see her grandson. Danny called for Jamie from the other room pulling her out of her thoughts, but not before she put the paper in her pocket. 

After a quick breakfast Jamie and Danny went down to the shop, Jamie had a lot of leftover work from the day before to catch up on. Danny played with his wooden logs behind the counter as usual waiting for Jamie to get done with work. 

Jamie found her day to be busier than a typical weekday. But it was nice since she didn’t have time to think about anything going on in her life. The plants, customers and Poppet were the only things on her mind the whole day. 

A few minutes before closing Jamie was in the back room of the shop cleaning up some supplies when Karen walked in the door. “I’ll be right there, just give me a second!”

“No problem take your time hun.” 

Jamie paused what she was doing at the sound of the semi-familiar voice. “Karen?” She asked, stepping out from the back. “Oh, hey.” Jamie wiped her hands off on her trousers.

“I know you didn’t ask me to come back and I was debating if I should or not all day, I just wanted to come by and say hi. I know all of this is strange and you are working on healing and I am disrupting that-”

“It’s fine really. I thought about calling you too.” Jamie pulled the piece of paper out of her pocket to show her then put it away again. “Thanks for coming by. I was just about to close up if you want to wait for a bit.”

“Yeah of course.” Karen walked over to the counter to where Danny was, “Is it alright if-” Jamie nodded at her.

Danny gave Karen a familiar smile when he saw Karen. “You are back! Wanna play?” He patted the ground next to him inviting Karen to have a seat. Danny gave Karen the full run down on his tiny town and how it operated while Jamie finished up around the shop. Once she was done she watched Karen interact with Danny for a bit. Karen seemed to do good with Danny and he seemed to like her company.

“Hey- So I’ve been thinking about this since you left yesterday, and I think I just made up my mind- I want you to be a part of Danny’s life- if you want to of course.” Jamie played with the seam at the bottom of her shirt while she spoke. 

“I’d love that.”

“I want him to know where he comes from and I can only teach him so much. Since Dani and I basically started our lives here from scratch I don’t have anything from her childhood to share with him. Do you have any pictures or stories that you don’t mind sharing?” 

“I have a few pictures you can have, they are back at my hotel, I can bring them over- maybe tomorrow?”

“That would be great! In the meantime do you want to come up for dinner? I was going to make some spaghetti and garlic bread.”

“That sounds lovely! Danny, do you like spaghetti?”

He nodded his head eagerly “paghetti is good!”

“Poppet it’s time to go upstairs, can you clean up your toys please?”

He did as he was told and quickly threw all of the lincoln logs into a basket under the counter. Once he was done he got up and followed his mom crawling up the stairs behind her.

Jamie let Danny watch tv in her room while she cooked so that she and Karen could have more privacy to talk. Even though he was young Jamie was always cautious about what she talked about in front of him in case of the chance he would retain any of it. Dani was one of the biggest subjects she kept him protected from. It sounded bad when she thought about it that way but all she was trying to do was keep him safe and happy, and being so young it would probably only confuse him since she can’t really say what happened to Dani. 

Karen glanced around the room while she sat down at the table. “Thank you for welcoming me into your home again. When I left yesterday I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me ever again. Which I understand-”

“To be frank I thought about leaving it alone, I mean you- Not reaching out to you at all and just moving on. But I know that isn’t what Dani would have wanted or done. She was really an amazing woman and you did a great job raising her.” Karen sighed as Jamie stirred the pot on the stove.

“That isn’t a result of me. I wasn’t- After Danielle’s father died I was a mess, most days I was sleeping off the alcohol from the night before and by the time I woke up it was time to drink again. Danielle had to raise herself for a while, and when that wasn’t working I sent her to different boarding schools. I think that is why she was so empathetic to all her more troubled students, although she never really was one she understood their pain and hardships.” Karen quickly wiped away the tears in her eyes hoping Jamie didn’t see. “I know I wasn’t the best mother when Danielle was little and I was really trying to be there for her before she moved away but she was already her own person who didn’t need mothering. I was hoping I could make that up to her and just be here for her now- but-” 

Karen broke down for the first time since finding out about Dani’s passing. A combination of shock and denial kept her from fully processing that her daughter was gone. Jamie left the pot to simmer and sat down at the table, she put her hand on Karen’s shoulder not in a please feel better and stop crying way, but more as a way to let her know that she was there. 

“You did a great job. Everything you did or didn’t do shaped Dani into the kind compassionate person she was. You did the best you could at the time, you were grieving- trust me I know how hard it can be to wake up in the morning and choose to get out of bed and take care of another living thing. Hell, there have been days I thought about ending it all, but we push through it for our kids and we pray they will never have to go through the same thing, right? I know you are going through a lot right now, you are just barely showing it but I want to let you know you are always welcome to come by and visit and see Danny anytime you want. We can even set a schedule for you to visit every few months if you’d like.”

Karen smiled through her sorrow and gave Jamie a thankful look. “I’d really like that.”

“Or where do you live? We could come visit you sometimes too.”

“Oh, well since I’ve been on the road for the last year I sold my house. I used that money to travel and look for Danielle. I guess right now I live at the Haythorn motel.”

“How much longer are you planning to stay in town then? Do you have any place to go-” Jamie sighed as the timer went off by the stove. As she pulled the bread out of the oven Danny came running into the kitchen. 

“Is the food ready? I smelled it watching the tv.”

“It’s just about done love, why don’t you sit down next to your nan while I fix everyone's plate.” 

He did as he was told and sat down next to Karen. “How was your day pumpkin?”

“Who is a pumpkin?”

“I was calling you a pumpkin. Like how your mom calls you love and poppet, it is just another name to call someone.”

“Mummy always call me poppet.”

“That’s because you are the cutest little boy Mummy has ever met.” Jamie kissed Danny’s head while she put a plate in front of him. “Wait don’t eat it with your hands let me grab your fork-” Before Jamie could even finish her sentence Danny had a fist full of red noodles in his fist. “I guess you don’t need one.” Karen smiled watching Danny while Jamie brought the rest of the food to the table. 

“Would you like a glass of wine with your dinner?”

“Oh, thank you dear, but I’m sober.”

“Sorry-” Jamie took a sip of her own glass of wine wondering what that must be like. “I think I’ve got some juice or-”

“No it’s fine! Thank you for the offer though.”

The three had a pleasant dinner, mostly Jamie and Karen got to know each other while Danny gobbled down multiple plates of pasta. 

“Mummy! Can I have more please?”

“Wow you ate all your food! Good job love.” Jamie got up to fix Danny another helping.

“Danny, did you know you have a really great mom?”

“I know. My mummy is the bestest in the world.”

Once Danny was finally full Jamie gave him a quick bath before reading him to sleep. Midway through his night time story Danny fell asleep, Jamie placed the book back on the shelf and kissed her son goodnight thankful they had another good day. After Dani she learned to appreciate every good second she spent with the people she loved. Even though Danny was just little she wasn’t going to let any of their time together zip by without a care. 

Jamie returned to the kitchen and was surprised to see Karen over the sink tidying up from dinner. “You really didn’t have to do that.” She grabbed a towel and offered it to Karen so she could take over.

“No, it’s my thanks for your cooking. It was amazing, where did you learn to cook like that.”

Jamie chucked to herself. “You know Dani would be on the floor dying of laughter if she heard you say that. I was never that great at cooking but Owen, my friend who is a chef, made sure I learned to cook so my kid wouldn’t be starving. It was his way of helping me after Dani- I think his exact words were me and the kid couldn’t survive off of sympathy casseroles forever.”

“Well he must be a great cook and teacher.”

Since Karen had a handle on the dishes Jamie started tidying up the rest of the kitchen, putting leftovers in the refrigerator for the next day and wiping down the table. As she put away the half full bottle of wine she thought about what Karen said earlier.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been sober?”

“Hmm, maybe twenty years. Danielle said something to me right after Edmond passed which really made me realize I had a problem. Gosh, what was it? Oh- I went to her house after she got home from the hospital- You know about her fiancé right?”

“Not much, but yeah I know what happened to him.”

“Well, she sounded so shaken up on the phone so I brought her a few bottles of wine thinking it would help. But she was furious and said she wasn’t going to drink away her problems like I did and that I would never understand what she was going through.”

“I’m sorry, but it seems like you are in a better place now.”

“Yes I most certainly am.”

Since the rest of the room was clean Jamie took a seat at the table. “Sorry to change the subject but our conversation earlier got cut short. Do you have a place to go after your hotel stay is up?”

“Not exactly, I’m sure when I go home I can find someone who will let me stay with them. When I started this whole trip I thought I would find Danielle and she would let me stay with her.”

“Well if you don’t mind a bit of clutter the guest room is yours for as long as you need. I was mostly using it for storage but there is a bed and a dresser in there.”

“Thanks hun! I think I’ll take you up on that offer, but I won’t stay too long I promise. How would you feel if I looked for some small job here in town and lived close by maybe?”

“You can stay as long as you need. I think it would be great if you were close by for Danny to get to know.”

“If you want- or don’t mind I can come by tomorrow morning and watch Danny up here. Just so you don’t have to worry about him in the flower shop. I could even work with him on learning letters and numbers and all that stuff.”

Jamie tried to keep her expression as blank as possible as she thought about it. She knew a time would come when Danny would have to start learning those types of things but she always tried to push it back. For years Jamie had this vision of Dani teaching their kids anything related to school stuff. She imagined Dani would sit at the table with the kids repeating herself for them to focus while Jamie worked. 

“I actually got a gig tomorrow morning. It isn’t long I can call you when I’m back home. 

“Oh- Well I can still come in the morning so you don’t have to drag Danny with you.”

“If you don’t mind, but you don’t have to work on any that school stuff, you can just play with him.” Karen thought about insisting but could sense it was a sensitive topic at the moment and moved on.

Shortly after Karen left, Jamie started her nightly routine. She put on the records she and Dani used to love as she ran the water in all the sinks and bathtubs. As she waited for the tub to fill Jamie thought about the life she thought she would have with Dani, the one they were on track for.

~~~

Dani laid back onto Jamie on the couch, she guided Jamie’s hand on where to feel for the baby. “Wait did you feel that one?”

“Oh my god! Yeah I did! That is crazy. I guess I never thought about what another human would feel like inside of someone.” Jamie pulled her arms tight around her love and kissed the top of her head. “I can’t believe this is all real, I mean by the end of the year we are gonna be mums.” 

“I know! Thank you for being so supportive and amazing with everything. I know this last month was a little hard but the doctor said my morning sickness should be getting better soon.” 

“Why would I be anything other than supportive? You are literally growing our child inside of you. I know growing things in a pot is a lot of effort so I can’t imagine the amount of work your body is doing right now.”

“I know! You have just been so great with everything and I am so grateful to have you here with me.” Dani smiled to herself. “Do you mind doing me a favor?”

“I would do anything for you and you know that.” 

“I am really craving one of those popsicles that you got from the store the other day, with the little bits of fruit in it.”

Jamie shimmied out from under Dani and ran to the freezer only to find an empty box. “Love, it looks like we are out. Do you want me to run to the store?” When she didn’t get an answer Jamie peeked around the corner where Dani was already looking at her with puppy eyes. “I already would have gone, but with that face I definitely have to go now.” 

Dani smiled knowing she was getting what she wanted. “Oh! While you are there can you get some of those… Ugh what are they called? They are the orange things”

“Oranges?”

“No! The color is orange but it’s not fruit. It’s… This fucking pregnacy brain I can’t remeber the words to anything. They are little little circles and they come in the tub thing.” Dani made a circle with her thumb and index finger to show how big it was. “Fuck- What is made out of milk?”

“Cheese?”

“YES! Cheeseballs! Thank you baby. Can you get some of the cheeseballs too pretty pretty please?”

“Ice lollies and cheeseballs huh? Interesting late night snack.”

“It’s what the baby wants! I can’t control it.”

“Uh huh, right.” Jamie grabbed her keys and wallet before walking over to Dani to give her a kiss goodbye. “I’ll be right back, love you.” 

“Love you too. Hurry back so we can watch a movie before bed!”

Once Jamie got to the store she quickly went to the freezer section and picked out the frozen treats Dani requested, they had a strawberry and a pineapple. Jamie put both in her basket. When Jamie got to the snack aisle she saw there weren’t any cheeseballs on the selves. She looked around for a second thinking she may have missed them before seeing someone who worked at the store. 

“Hey mate, do you guys have any cheeseballs?”

The young employee glanced at the shelf before responding. “I can see if we have any in the back.”

“That would be great thanks!”

“No problem, I’ll be right back.” After a few minutes the young worker returned with a large tub of cheeseballs. “It looks like this is the last one we have.”

“Thank you! My wife will be so happy when I get home.”

Jamie paid for her groceries and rushed home, maybe a little too fast but luckily she didn’t get pulled over by cops.

“Babe, I’m back.” Jamie said as she kicked off her shoes and hung up her keys.

“Lovey come here, I missed you.” Dani was still sitting on the couch right where Jamie had left her. She reached out her arms motioning for Jamie to cuddle with her.

“I missed you too.” Jamie gave Dani a quick kiss before moving into the kitchen. “They had strawberry and pineapple lollies, which do you want?”

“I just want you.” 

Jamie bit the inside of her lip trying to hide her excitement of the person she loved more than anything in the world wanting her. “Give me a second to put away the snacks you wanted me to go get.” She shoved the frozen treats in the freezer and left the tub of cheeseballs on the counter before running to Dani who was watching her every move. 

“Babe, I’m sorry, the strawberry ones actually sound really good right now.”

“I thought all you wanted was me.”

“Now I just want you and a popsicle- The baby wants the popsicle, I want you!” 

“No, I see you are choosing frozen snacks over your wife. You don’t have to hide behind the baby.” Jamie teased as she grabbed an ice lolly from the freezer. “Here, I hope the baby is satisfied.”

“Thank you. Now cuddle with meee.”

Jamie made herself comfortable sitting behind Dani while the tv continued playing. She watched as Dani sat happy enjoying her snack while sitting snuggled in her arms. There was nothing more Jamie wanted from life. This was it, there was no way it could get any better.

~~~

The next morning Jamie was woken up to her phone ringing. At first she was confused since it was only six in the morning but remembered she told Karen to call when she arrived so she could be let in.

Jamie quickly threw on some jeans and a random shirt and ran down stairs to the shop. “Hey, good morning!” Jamie greeted as Karen walked in. 

She noticed that Jamie looked half asleep. “Oh no! I didn’t wake you did I? I wanted to make sure I got here before you had to go but I guess I came a bit too early.”

“You are fine. I would be getting up soon anyways. Come on up, do you want tea? Or are you one of those Americans who only drinks coffee?”

“I do enjoy a coffee but I’m fine thank you.” Karen laughed as she followed Jamie upstairs. 

“If you don’t mind I’m going to finish getting ready.” She checked the clock on the wall. “Danny should be up in about twentyish minutes. He is normally pretty chill in the mornings, just needs a bowl of cereal and he is good until he is fully wake.”

Jamie ran off to her room leaving Karen alone in the living room. She looked around the room more, trying to piece together how Danielle lived. On the wall near the front door hung a small bunch of dried roses she assumed Dani or Jamie had from a special occasion. 

Not long after leaving Jamie returned to the living room looking slightly more awake. “Normally I wouldn’t just leave someone completely alone with Danny, but I got a big wedding I am the florist for. Like I said earlier he is usually really good in the mornings so he shouldn’t cause you any trouble. Um- Well I should be back by lunch time.”

“No worries.”

“Oh and, sorry I got kinda weird about the letters thing yesterday. If you want you can work on all that stuff with him. There are just some things I haven't worked through yet. One of them being that Dani was supposed to teach our kids everything related to school, and with her gone-”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to impose.”

“No- It’s fine. There are a lot of things I have just avoided, but as Danny gets older it gets harder to keep pushing things off.”

Speaking of whom, Danny walked in the room still in his puppy pajamas and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Oh look who’s up.” Jamie turned around and picked him up.

“Morning Poppet. Mummy has to go do a work thing so you Nan is going to stay here with you.” Danny nodded without saying anything. “It usually takes him a while to wake up. Um, I’ve never really been away from him so I’m not sure how he is gonna react when I leave. I’ve heard about kids going mental getting dropped off at daycare and such.”

“I’ll go take him to the kitchen for breakfast and you can leave so it doesn’t make a bigger deal out of it.” 

“Alright,” Jamie set Danny down. “Thank you. I shouldn’t be gone too long.” Karen led Danny to the kitchen and once they were both out of sight Jamie snuck out the door. 

After Danny finished his breakfast Karen let him have some playtime while she cleaned up. She took the opportunity to do a bit more snooping. At the bottom of the book shelf she noticed a large photo book and thought to give it a look. 

There were probably a hundred pictures. Pictures from travels, parties, birthdays, multiple pages were solely dedicated to Danielle’s pregnancy. There was a picture of Jamie and Danielle holding up a positive test, of Jamie kissing Danielle’s abdomen, tons of ultrasound pictures and what looked like a weekly update of the side profile of Danielle’s belly to show how much the baby was growing. But all the pictures randomly stopped at about five months. 

Karen flipped through the next few pages trying to find the rest of the missing pictures but failed to find anymore. There weren’t many pictures left but they had a different sort of energy than the rest. Almost gloomy even though the pictures themselves didn’t show any dire scenes.

Danny came running into the room wondering where Karen was, when he saw the photo book he got excited and asked to look through it too. Karen didn’t know if she was supposed to be looking at those intimate memories let alone the boy who was being sheltered from everything his mother had lost. 

“Maybe later if your mom says it’s okay. Why don’t we go play cook?”

Danny was easily persuaded and followed Karen off to his room. While she played with the boy Karen couldn’t get the missing pictures off her mind. She wanted so desperately to ask Jamie but knew that wasn’t a good idea at all since she was already so guarded and just starting to open up.


	3. Chapter 3

When Jamie came home she was happy to see that Karen and Danny were still doing well. Colorful paper and markers scattered the kitchen table. Upon further inspection, Jamie saw they were working on learning the alphabet. 

“Hey loves, how was your morning?” Jamie asked, taking off her shoes.

“Mummy!” Danny got up and ran to Jamie. She picked him up and swung him around in a circle.

“Did you miss me?” 

“I think you were in your room. Where were you?”

“Mummy had to work and take flowers to someone for a wedding.”

“But I go with you to work.”

“Yeah, normally you do. But I think you are going to start hanging out with your nan while I work.” Jamie set Danny down and addressed Karen. “Oh sorry I guess I never even asked what you wanted to be called.”

“Oh, Nan is fine! Or Nana K if your mom-”

“I don’t have a mum. I kinda did when I was a little kid. But no, I haven’t had a mum in a long time. So you have full monopoly of grandmaship- Actually you are his only grandparent.”

“I’m sorry to hear that- Nana is fine.”

Jamie moved to the kitchen to wash her hands and tried to move past the awkward scenario she created. “Say we start cleaning out the guest room?”

“Oh, are you sure? I still have a few nights left-”

“You don’t want to do that under the time constraint. We can just clean out the room today so it will be all ready for you to move in. It needs a good cleaning. Plus I’m free the rest of the day so it’s no trouble. ”

Jamie and Karen started clearing out the spare room with Danny’s help. There were a few boxes that needed sorting along with quite a few stacks of books. There was plenty of deep cleaning to be done as well since dust bunnies took over the room. All was going fine until Karen moved onto a box shoved in the corner of the room. The box was bigger than all the rest and had illegible scribbles she couldn’t make out. The second Karen touched it Jamie had a mini panic and quickly took over. 

“I’ll deal with this one. If you want you can look through the box I was working on. It’s full of Danny’s old clothes; whatever looks decent enough can be donated to women's shelters. Just make a pile and we can keep adding to it.” 

“Are you sure, this one doesn’t feel heavy at all?”

“Yeah. I’ll take it.” Without even opening it Jamie picked up the box and left the room with it before returning quickly empty-handed. Acting as if that wasn’t strange she said, “Alright time to go through some of these books.”

Karen could tell Jamie was shaken up by whatever was in the box but didn’t want to push, but the curiosity ate away at her. “Everything alright dear?”

“Yep, everything is fine.”

“If this is too much for you I can just go through all of this myself. I’m already so grateful you are letting me stay here.”

“I’m good, really. I need to go through all of this anyways. I haven’t even stepped foot in this room in ages.”

Karen didn’t question her anymore but knew something sentimental was in that box, maybe some stuff of Danielle’s. The two worked quietly sorting things into dotation piles and keep piles and once that was finished they began giving the room a deep clean. The picture album full of missing pictures crept back into Karen’s head as she wiped down the dresser. 

“Oh, Jamie, I forgot to tell you. I brought along some pictures of Danielle from when she was a kid. I thought I’d show them to you and Danny together.”

“Thank you! I’d love to sit down and go thru them when we are done.”

“I know she was never in Danny’s life but how much does he know about Danielle?”

“Almost nothing. He knows her face from the pictures that are still up, and that they have the same name but that is about it.”

“Would you be okay with me telling him who she is?”

“Of course! I wish he did know more- It’s just hard. I don’t think I could ever convey to Danny how special his other mother was without him seeing her for himself.”

“Well, if you are ever open to it I would love to hear about Danny’s birth story- No pressure. Just if you are ever ready. I’m sure Danielle was glowing-”

The time surrounding Danny’s birth flashed before Jamies eyes. It was in no doubt the worst single year of her entire life, and she had been through a lot. None of the terrors she saw in her childhood came nowhere near as awful. Not the bullying, the lack of parental guidance, the abusive foster parents, or even prison.

“I’ll be right back. I'm going to check on Danny.” 

Karen could tell something was bothering Jamie. Did she push too much? She wasn’t trying to be invasive, she just wanted to get to know who her daughter was. After years of not knowing a single thing about Danielle’s life she wanted to consume every last detail of who she was. But Karen saw how her constant questioning could be overwhelming when Jamie was still trying to heal from losing her love.

Jamie never returned to help Karen finish cleaning. Instead, she locked herself in her bathroom and ran the bathwater so her crying couldn’t be heard. She knew Karen meant well but her curiosity was bringing back other memories Jamie certainly didn’t want to remember. The real turning point when she knew that Dani was losing herself and that she would soon lose Dani too. A memory that hurt far worse than the day Jamie lost her for real. 

The image of them both crying in the bathtub with the shower running seeped its way into her head. She violently shook it out of her head not wanting to go back to that day. The beginning of the end. The day all her hopes and dreams of the future were crushed by the grueling reality that the couple faced. 

On the other side of the door, Danny knocked, looking for his mum. “Mummy? Are you in there?”

Jamie wiped her face and turned off the tap before answering. “Yes- I- I’ll be out in a second Poppet-” 

“Are you crying?” Jamie ignored his question. She got up to rinse off her face. “MUMMY?”

“Yes, Poppet?”

“Are you crying?”

Jamie opened the door with a few tears still in her eyes. “I’m okay love.” She kneeled to his level. He looked at her hard and concentrated. 

“Why are you sad?”

“Mummy had a hard day, but I’ll get through it and be okay.”

“Don’t be sad Mummy. I love you!” Danny gave his mom a big hug which only made Jamie tear up again. “Why are you more sad now?”

“I love you so much and so you just made me happy cry.” 

“Crying can be happy?”

“Yeah, it can be sometimes. Let Mummy was her face and then I’ll come play with you a bit before dinner. While you wait can you draw me a picture? I saw your colors on the table.”

“Okay Mummy. I will make you the bestest picture ever so you not be sad anymore.”

“Thank you poppet.” 

Danny ran off leaving Jamie alone in her room. She sat down on her bed and took a few deep breaths trying to deal with her stress. When she was calm enough she rinsed her face with cool water until she couldn’t feel where her warm tears ran down her face.

Jamie joined Danny at the table where he was working on his latest masterpiece while Karen stood over the stove. She kissed the top of Danny’s head before she sat down next to him. “How’s it going in here?”

“I am coloring and Nana is cooking.” He said very matter of fact.

“Oh, you didn’t-” Jamie turned to Karen.

“You seemed a little stressed out earlier so I just wanted to help a little bit. It’s nothing really, I haven’t cooked in a real kitchen in over a year so this is actually nice.”

“Are you sure? I could take over now-”

“No! Just sit with your boy. It should be done in a bit anyway.”

“Thank you. Really, you’ve done a lot for me today.” 

~~~

After dinner, Jamie made sure Karen didn’t do a single thing to clean up. She did allow Danny to stay up a little past his bedtime to go through the pictures Karen brought over. He sat in Jamie’s lap so he could get a better look.

The first picture Karen placed on the table was one of Dani’s baby pictures. Jamie smiled at how cute she was as a baby, nothing ever changed. 

“Danny, do you know who that is?” Karen asked. He shook his head no.

“That is the Dani you are named after, the same one in the picture over there. This is from when she was a baby.”

Karen put down another picture, Danielle was probably around Danny’s age. Jamie took in the bittersweet moment. It was nice to see finally see Dani’s childhood, she just wished they could be looking at it together. 

“You know it kinda funny?”

“What is?” Jamie asked while trying to settle Danny who was very tired.

“They don’t share much of a resemblance.” Karen pointed between the photo and Danny. “Maybe as he gets older he will show more of Danielle’s features. She was the same way, looked nothing like me when she was firstborn. I was actually kind of offended that someone growing in me for nine months could share almost no resemblance, but as she got older people started saying she looked like me.”

Jamie didn’t know how to respond. Karen showed off a few more pictures before Danny couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. Just as Jamie got up with Danny in her arms Karen asked, “I saw you had a photo album in the living room, is it alright if I add these to it?”

Jamie froze a second, “It’s been years since I even looked at that thing. I’ll go through it and add the pictures in there.”

“I could add the pictures myself tomorrow when Danny is taking a nap or something.”

“Okay, I’ll leave the album out for you tomorrow then.” Jamie walked Karen out before putting Danny to bed. 

As she let her bathtub and all the sinks in her home fill with water Jamie went to the living room and pulled out the photo album. Just about every picture she and Dani ever took was in it. Jamie completely forgot the book even existed. She flipped through the memories she hadn’t looked at since before Danny was born. She paused when she got to the section documenting Dani’s pregnancy. She paused at the picture of them when she first found out they were going to be parents. A few tears hit the protective sleeves before she quickly removed the pages containing any pregnancy-related photos and took them to her room. She added them to the box from earlier that she shoved in her closet. 

Once Jamie returned to her bathroom the tub was full of water. She sat on the edge looking for any sign of Dani. She desperately needed her reason to calm her sane right now. Karen obviously knew something was going on with her but she didn’t know how to address it or keep it a secret. Jamie knew she could never tell Karen everything that happened to Dani, about the lady of the lake, she would only sound like a madwoman. But how could she give Karen enough to satisfy her curiosity?

“You would know what to say, or at least how to keep me sane with all of this.” Jamie ran her hands through her hair. “I was finally starting to get my shit together, then- I was just starting to be okay with everything. Forgive myself. Now I just feel like I’m right at square one again. 

Your mom almost saw the box of baby stuff we never got to use, the stuff I couldn’t bring myself to use for Danny. She also wanted to look at all our old photos, I told her she could tomorrow so I could take out all your pregnancy ones. It’s terrible I know, but I didn’t want her to ask why the pictures randomly stop. Why there aren’t any with you and Danny together, even with him as a newborn. I’m pretty sure she thinks you died giving birth to Danny or something close to that. Maybe I’ll be brave enough to tell her the truth one day, who knows. I should have just corrected her right away when she assumed because now I don’t know how to. 

Well, anyway I miss you and love you so so much.” 

As Jamie crawled into bed she knew the memory she had been fighting off all day would take over and she would be forced to relive the worst times of her life. The second she closed her eyes a sense of darkness washed over her. 

~~~

Jamie woke up in the middle of the night when she heard quiet cries coming from another room. She jumped up worried something was wrong with Dani and the baby. In the bathroom, Dani was sitting in the tub in the dark with her hands over her mouth and the shower running.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Jamie ran over pulling Dani into an embrace that she quickly pushed her off. “Dani? What is it?”

“I can’t”

“Can’t what?” Jamie looked around trying to see if there was something she was missing. 

“I- I can’t-” Her lips moved to say more but nothing came out. “the baby.”

“What’s wrong with the baby? Do we need to go to the doctor? I’ll go warm up the car, I’ll be right back.” 

As Jamie started to get up Dani grabbed her arm stopping her. “No.”

“What’s going on love, you are scaring me.” Jamie started to tear up.

“I can’t have the baby,” Dani whispered, almost too quiet to hear.

“You are doing a great job! Everything is going to be fine, I know this week had been-”

“No!” Dani broke down more. “I can’t- we can’t”

“Baby, we worked so hard for this. You worked so hard for this. Three years, a few false alarms, and a miscarriage but we are finally getting to do this. The doctor said this baby was healthy and doing great.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Can you talk to me, please? I want to know what’s going on. How to make anything easier for you.” 

Jamie got in the tub, sitting across from Dani. She refused to look directly at Jamie, keeping her eyes on the water collecting in the bathtub. “I- I want to have the baby- but I c- I can’t.”

“Can you tell me why?” Jamie wiped the tears starting to fall down own her face.

“She-” Dani let out a sigh of defeat. “The baby doesn’t have a chance against her. I can feel her trying to get to the baby. I don’t want our child to have to go through this. They would never know what a normal life is, if we aren’t setting them up with the best possible life we could give them what is the point?”

Jamie wished she didn’t, but she understood where Dani was coming from. She didn’t want to see another person she loved go through the same struggles. As much as it hurt her, she agreed with Dani, it wasn’t safe or fair to subject the baby to a life of pain.

“Come here.” Jamie pulled Dani into a tight hug. “It’s okay, we are gonna get through this. None of this is your fault.”

Jamie hugged tighter hoping somehow she could grab a hold of her dream of being a parent as it slipped away in front of her. She knew how close she held Dani wouldn’t change their circumstances or what Dani was capable of going through. It was a way for her to hold onto the idea for a last-second and say goodbye. Goodbye to the child she almost got to raise, goodbye to the idea of her and Dani having kids and goodbye to the version of Dani she currently knew. She let the water run over her and wash away the bright future she once had right down the drain. 

Jamie knew Dani would never be the same after this, that Dani would never forgive herself and that she just might hold something against Jamie for even suggesting kids weren’t a good idea before, because, in the end, she was right. The lady in the lake had stuck once again without even trying. No. That wasn’t true, Dani wouldn’t let that happen. Once again Dani was protecting an innocent soul to her detriment. Although Jamie didn’t think she would be able to recover this time as she had before. 

The next morning Jamie was surprised when Dani was missing from their bed. She searched the entire flat without any success. The panicky feeling built up in her chest until she gave in and admitted defeat. She broke down in the hall and just as she was starting to accept that Dani probably ran off to Bly she walked in through the door. 

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Jamie ran to Dani and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I started to think that you-” Jamie shook the thought out of her head not wanting to even think about Dani leaving her for good.

“Sorry.” She reciprocated the hug. “I- I couldn’t sleep and I just kind of zoned out. When I realized where I was I was already so far from home. I’m sorry I don’t really know what happened. ”

“No. I’m just happy that you are safe and back home.” Jamie kissed the top of Dani’s head before letting her go. “Are you still feeling the same way as last night?”

“Yeah, I want to just get it over with. I know I can’t change my mind so I don’t want to drag this out.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I will support you in whatever you need to do, okay? Give me a few minutes and I’ll see when the doctor can see us. Hey, look at me, I love you.” Dani darted her eyes away and shook her head ever so slightly. “Dani, I love you.”

“H-” Nothing came out as Dani tried to talk. She paused a second trying to get her words to work. “Right now I hate me so how can you just- How can you still love me? You were even excited-” 

Jamie pulled Dani back into a tight embrace. “I love you with everything in me, nothing could ever change that. None of this is your fault, so why would I be mad at you or hate you. If anything I admire your decision because I know how badly you wanted this to work, but you are choosing what is best for our child over what you want. Our kid is never going to have to live with the pain that you do every day. Sure all of this is fucked up and we are probably never going to be the same but we are making this choice for a reason. You have nothing to be ashamed of love. It breaks my heart that you think this would make me change how I feel about you.” Dani nodded in agreement against Jamie’s shirt. She knew her wife was right but that didn’t stop the negative feelings she had against herself. 

~~~

Jamie woke up in a sweat and immediately broke down. That was the night she lost everything. The beginning of Dani’s downfall, the end of happier times. Just as Jamie started to work on her breathing exercises she learned from the support group she went to for a short time Karen called asking to be let in. 

“Goodmorning! Oh- are you alright?” Karen was surprised to see Jamie so disheveled.

“Just had a rough night.” Karen gave her a concerned look. “I get nightmares about Dani. It’s nothing new, I’m fine.”

Karen took a seat on the couch as Jamie made herself a cup of tea. “I don’t think I’m going to open the shop today, I don’t really feel like seeing people. But I like to work out my stuff by gardening so I’ll probably go downstairs for a few hours. I just need a while to decompress from my night.”

“Okay, I brought all my things over so I can start getting settled if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, it’s your room now.” Jamie sat down in the adjacent chair from Karen. “I set a fresh set of sheets on the bed for you by the way.” 

“Thank you.” Karen felt as she was being swallowed by the silence. She felt like she had to say something, anything just to ease the mood. “Is it alright if I add the pictures now?”

“Sure.” Jamie grabbed the album off the shelf and handed it to Karen. 

She wasted no time and flipped straight to the end of the book. No pictures of Dani being pregnant. Jamie clearly removed them because she didn’t want her to see them. 

Jamie watched her closely. Fuck. She thought to herself. Why would she flip right to the back if she never saw the pictures before? “I’m going to see if Danny is up.”

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry- I know you tried to take those pictures of Danielle pregnant out of here before I could see them, but I saw them yesterday while you were gone. I didn’t mean to snoop- I wanted to see what Danielle’s life was like. I should have asked or at least not act like I hadn’t- Again I’m sorry.”

“Well, I guess you are wondering why I took them.” Jamie sat back down.

“What happened to the baby?” Jamie was taken back by how direct Karen’s question was. 

“What?”

“Just putting things together. The pictures randomly stopped before Danielle had the baby, you tried to hide said pictures, you being sensitive about the box in the room. Danielle lost the baby didn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Jamie bit her lip trying to hold everything in.

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault, but thank you.”

“I’m just a little confused now. Danny is your son?”

“Yeah, the kids Dani and I planned to have are both of ou-”

“You know what I’m asking. You gave birth to him didn’t you?” Jamie nodded. “Why did you just say that?” 

“You just assumed. I didn’t know how to correct you or want to really. If Danny’s birth was something tragic you wouldn’t ask questions. The whole year leading up to his birth was the worst year of my life and the less of it I had to talk about it the better.”

“I’m sorry that you felt you had to keep up some charade to try to have your privacy. If there is something you don’t want to talk about tell me and I won’t push. But If you do ever feel like you want to get something off your chest I am here.”

“Thank you, and sorry for lying. Well, now that you know all that do still want to be here for Danny?”

“Like you said, your children are yours and Danielle’s. He is still my grandbaby so of course I still want to be here for him, and you. You are my daughter now.”

“That means a lot. Thank you.” Jamie got up when she heard that Danny was starting to get up. “Maybe one day I’ll be ready to talk about everything.”


End file.
